Google Is For Kittens

Being born in 1994, I always considered myself a kid of the nineties.

Until of course the "you're not a true 90s kid if" posts came out. Trying to jog memories about a television show or a hairstyle that was so hip when you were four is a little hard to do.

Apparently those six years of my life don't really count.

So, according to the internet, not a true nineties kid. Whatever. Not the point.

The point is that I'm enough of a nineties kid to be able to say that I was born into the generation with technology.

I'm down.

I've got the 4-1-1.

I grew up with all of this tech-y shit and, like most of my generation, I fucking love it.

No denial that dictionary.com has turned me off of ever using a real dictionary again, and if I like you enough I may even admit that thesaurus.com is on my chrome homepage as one of my eight most visited sites.

We can all agree, why use paper and time when instead you can just type in what you want and find it in a matter of seconds?

But I have bad news.

I think the people who create all of these super easy, convenient websites and apps are onto us, folks.

They are probably aware that even though I downloaded the quick Google search app onto my iPhone, its primary use has become to look up pictures of cats.

Using Google for facts? What? Fuck that.

I much prefer to lay in bed for two hours in the morning running my phone battery down on the "kittens" tag.

And they totally know it.

I saw a movie today and one of the previews tried to sell smartphones by saying that they are a constant learning tool.

They actually expected parents to believe that if they bought their kids a smartphone, the majority of their time on it would be spent looking up history facts or teaching themselves how to better solve an algebra equation.

How dumb can they be. I mean really.

Of course their kid isn't going to use their smartphone to actually make themselves smarter.

They're going to do what any normal person would do and use the super accurate touchscreen technology to text their friends a lot instead of going outside, and then melt their brain to mush playing candy crush.

But the best part about it was that the people who thought up the ad probably did it because they were fucking bored and appalled by how little people actually care about what they're using the internet for.

Come on, you guys.

We're actually boring the internet.

We're all sitting on our asses in the middle of the day looking at gifs of people hitting their faces on various objects, and the internet is just sitting there like "Guys, come on. I was meant for more than this."

Even the new twitter update is bored by us.

Twitter, the most boring and pointless social media out there, and even it is bored.

Don't get me wrong, I fucking love twitter. And I will not hate on you for using any form of social media because honestly, after spending as many hours looking at my Tumblr dash and mindlessly refreshing my Facebook feed as I have, there is absolutely no room for me to judge.

But seriously, if the new update has to add a highlights tab and change the background color on some "important" tweets to try and get you to stop swinging your thumb like a monkey and actually fucking read for once, something's wrong.

If somebody had told the internet when it was first born and still in its swaddling clothes with a colored bow on its forehead so that everyone would know what gender it was that when it grew up it would be no better than television, it would have cried.

And not just because it's a baby.

(And before you ask, no, I don't know what gender the internet is. I'm going to go with a girl. Because it's always right.)

At least TV has the excuse that it's supposed to be at least a little bit mind-numbing. A few channels excepted, it's meant for entertainment, not education.

With all of the commercials and shit that you have to sit through to make it through a single program anyway, television is the ultimate multitasker. There's almost no way you can watch it without at least periodically doing something else.

The internet wasn't supposed to be like that.

It's a tool.

Not like one of those guys who backs their car into the parking spot. Like a mouse-ka-tool.

You guys. The internet is the mystery mouse-ka-tool.

(If you don't get that reference, you're too old. Go home.)

((Or maybe I should just stop watching kids shows.))

(((Hey. I'm not judging you for your social media, so don't judge me.)))

And right now the internet's crying because it has seen too many pictures of cats and not nearly enough intelligent usage.

It is full of words, and information, and things other than memes that stopped being funny six months ago.

I dare you to get off your ass and scrounge up at least a shred of a fuck to pretend to give about the real importance of the internet.

I double dare you.

I triple dog dare you.

Because when we're so boring that we make the internet think we're too apathetic, we have to start admitting that there's a problem.