Can You Even Get a Ticket for Riding a Unicorn?

Orientation went out with a bang tonight, at the last scheduled event of the week: Hypnotism.

My roomies and I went to Dueling Pianos... and that shit sucked. So we were a little skeptical about tonight. But seeing as how I had spent all afternoon sitting in my room and my one roomie who was actually here had friends to entertain, we decided it was for the best to just go to see the hypnotist.

Best. Decision. Ever.

The guy himself wasn't a comedian, but the stuff that he made people almost made you walk away thinking that he was.

There were probably about 30 people onstage, in chairs, heads slumped in their laps, patiently awaiting his every command. But it wasn't the stuff that they did that was the best, it was the outrageous things that they said. I... I can't even... I just can't. Awesome.


Example 1:

(For the sake of these examples, we will call the Hypnotist "Jim", because hypnotist is really annoying to type and I like that name. And he looked like a Jim.)

Jim: What dream car do you want?

Dude: The jeep from Jurassic Park.

Jim: Any accessories with that?

Dude: A dinosaur.

(Later. Everybody has won their dream car by playing slots, and then gotten pulled over by a cop for speeding away.)

Jim the Cop: That's a nice Jeep. Where did you get it?

Dude: ...Jurassic Park.

Jim the Cop: ...mm-hm. And what's that in the backseat?

Dude: ...

Jim the Cop: ...?

Dude: I have a dinosaur.

Jim the Cop: ...why?

Dude: I need to take him home.

Jim the Cop: And why did you need to go that fast?

Dude: ...I have a dinosaur.


Example 2:

Jim: What dream car are you looking at?

Girl: A unicorn.

Jim: Alright, so you just won your car... or creature...


Example 3:

Jim: He seems to have lost his butt.

Ass-less guy: Yeah, I can't find it.

Jim: Would you mind telling us what it looks like, so we can help you locate it?

Ass-less guy: Well, it's white... and round, and has two cheeks. That's about it.


Example 4:

(Jim just told them all that they were watching a porno (to which one guy deeefinitely tried to jack off onstage (awkward)) and then informed them that the people they just watched... were their parents.)

Jim: What would you say to your parents?

Guy: TEACH  ME.


Example 5:

Jim: When I say 3, you all will go out in the audience and do an erotic dance for these judges. No grinding, just dancing. Alright? 1... 2... 3.

All guys take their shirts off.


And there are so so so many more examples, but luckily for you I have borderline the shittiest memory ever and therefore don't really remember enough full conversations to actually want to type any more out. But, yeah. It was awesome. Y'all should be jealous.

Oh, and by the way, it was decided that you can not, in fact, get a ticket for speeding on a unicorn. Lucky break.