How To Make Yourself Appear Graceful

With the holidays coming up, and (hopefully) holiday parties, t'is the season of pretty dresses and fancy parties.

Now, of course a fancy dress makes a girl feel fancy, but fancy is usually seen as synonymous with graceful, and a fancy dress does not make a girl graceful.

I wear fancy dresses all the time and I still trip over my own toes.

(Okay, that's a lie. I don't wear fancy dresses. But I could, and... I'm sure you get my point.)

So, in the spirit of giving, I come to you, the Ghost of Christmas Clumsy, to tell you how to make yourself appear graceful in order to fool anyone who doesn't know you better, because honesty is what the holidays are all about.

(And I do acknowledge in advance that most of these strategies are geared toward girls. What can I say? You write what you know. So if you are a man reading this, just, um... add "in a manly way" to the end of whatever I'm saying. That should work.)

Strategy Number 1:

Only one bite at at a time.

I know that holiday parties are really on the hors d'oeuvres that are only about the size of your finger and are not nearly large enough to serve as an acceptable counterpart to the abundant number of holiday drinks that will surely be consumed, but please. Pace yourself.

Holiday parties will not be impressed that you can fit your fist (or a fistful of tiny crackers topped with some kind of pretentious cheese) into your mouth.

(It's okay, though. I'm impressed. You go.)

So take it slow, okay? Eat as much as your little heart desires, just don't let anybody catch on.

Remember: You are graceful. You are hungry. You are stealth.


Strategy Number 2:

Alcohol and heels don't mix.

Unless you're actually good at walking in heels (and therefore among the elite, congratulations) you're going to look like a lurchy little dolt.

Just wear shorter heels, or a nice pair of flats. If your dress isn't too fancy, nobody will object to the tall leather boots look.

(Although that look gets tricky. Try and avoid looking like the party ho-ho-hoe.)

Or, if you are going to wear heels (because I know how hard it is to resist this particular temptation), just find any excuse you can to not walk around. Make the men come to you.

Or, you know, just anybody.

What I'm saying is tape some mistletoe above your head and you're good. Capiche?


Strategy Number 3:

You know those little cookie sandwiches stuck together with frosting that always look so delicious?

Don't.


Strategy Number 4:

I know that in movies people always walk really slowly and it makes them look mysterious and relaxed and cool, but... I don't know if you've ever tried walking slow, because shit's hard.

Unless you have good balance to begin with (which I don't) then you'll have a very hard time walking in a straight line (I do) and you will end up teetering on the edges of your feet (even in flats) and looking really dumb (I did).

Don't walk like you're on a mission either, because who can talk to you when you're practically bowling them over.

Just pick a pace. A good one. Similar to the pace with which you're shoving your face with food. That's a good pace. Keep it up.


Strategy Number 5:

If somebody tries to talk to you while you're in stealth hunger mode, just remember what your momma taught you and chew and swallow before you reply.

There is a time and a place for looking like a neanderthal.

That is basically every other time and place.

A holiday party is the only exception to that rule.

Remember: holiday parties = grace. You are grace. Grace doesn't talk with her mouth full.


I'm actually not all that well versed in being graceful (surprise surprise, I called myself the Ghost of Christmas Clumsy for a reason) so this is the last strategy I'm able to offer you:

Strategy Number 6:

Lip gloss is never a good idea.

Sure, it looks great when you first put it on, and it's scented like candy canes and damn don't you just feel festive, but you will regret your decision as soon as your hair starts sticking to it and your cup starts sticking to it and everything you put in your mouth that touches your lips on the way in carries a faint overtone of wax-flavored candy canes.

Plus, you don't want everybody at the party knowing who you kissed under that mistletoe you taped above your head, do you?

(Hahahaha oh, I crack myself up. I don't even know what mistletoe is for.)

Anyway, long story short, lip gloss is bad. It is the evil elf of the makeup world. Just use tinted chapstick like me instead. I'm clearly a fashion and beauty icon. Watch me toss my hair.


Now go forth to your own holiday parties, my children, and exude grace.

Failing that, just try not to embarrass yourself too much.

(But if you do, be sure to send pictures.)