In these situations, I, like a mature adult, like to invent little games to play that nobody knows I'm playing but make it so that I don't have to listen to what the people around me are saying. Or so I don't have to look at them. Either way.
The most awkward circumstance, fortunately, is also the most easily remedied. I've found that it occurs most often at graduation parties, weddings, shows, or really any situation where lots of people that you don't necessarily know are milling about in the same general area and making small talk until the time comes when they can either take a seat and watch somebody else be social or they can make a run for it. And that circumstance is this:
You're walking with a friend, or a date, or your mom, or whatever; you come across a person that you either don't know at all or, worse, you are only vaguely acquainted with; the individual you're walking with starts a conversation with the person / people that you don't know; you're forced to stand there awkwardly, not being able to partake in the conversation because you don't bloody know the people involved, and not able to leave because then you become that strange loser walking through a crowded room by themselves.
So you're standing there. You can't talk. You can't leave. So you try and count the number of people in the room wearing hats without conspicuously moving your eyes. And then, because that's not actually a thing that normal people can do, you pick the person in the room who is most likely to be a spy and then picture them shooting the hell out of everything there because that sketchy guy who's been lurking in the corner finally blew his cover and actually turns out to be a mobster sent there on an assassination mission. And then you choose the target; usually the oldest guy there who's not yet knocking on death's door and seems to be dressed like a fully functioning adult.
And then the people you can't talk to because you don't know them will make a comment that is aimed at you in at attempt to draw you into the conversation that you've heretofore ignored, forcing you to make the generic "laugh and agree" type response and just hope to god that what they said was actually funny.
Yeah, that one happens to me a lot. If you couldn't tell.
Then, of course, is the classic conversation between you and a person who likes you way more than you like them (which, in my case, is generally not at all). Especially if they're of your opposite persuasion, and just a little too much interest from you pushes the giant "crush" snowball down the hill on its path of destruction and broken hearts. And because it would just be too easy for them to act cool and allow you to ignore them, these are always the people who insist on staring at your face while they're talking to you as if looking hard enough will ignite a fire in your soul that will forever reciprocate their feelings.
Which it won't. It will just make me vastly uncomfortable.
My first inclination is to not look at them at all, not look at them ever, act like there's something really interesting to look at on the other side of the room that draws my eyes toward it for the entirety of our conversation.
But that's rude. I would never do that.
Instead, I look at them once every twenty or thirty seconds, and spend the rest of the time pretending that there's something across the room that's interesting and I can't stop looking at it. Because that's how mature adults handle uncomfortable situations.
I usually end up leaving that conversation by pretending that the situation I've been so enthralled by involved a dear friend who desperately wants to talk to me, like, now. And I leave. Even though I don't have any friends. You know, normal stuff.
I bet at this point you're wondering why in the hell I would title this "I'm a Robot" and then just talk about being rude to other people. Don't worry. That one's next. I saved the best for last.
Being onstage when there's nothing to do is quite possibly the most awkward part of the performance. Sometimes it's that you're a chorus member and you have to pretend to make small talk for a prolonged period of time without actually saying anything to the people around you, so that you can make up stories about unicorns hiding in your closet with a bloody knife and a child's foot in their mouth that the people you're talking to will never understand unless they can lip read frightfully well. Which, in my experience, they can't.
Even more uncomfortable than that, though, is when there are few people on the stage (think preshow (if you don't know what that is, I don't care (no, I'm kidding, I love you, it's when there are only around six people on the stage (jokes, I don't love you (mad props if you're still following this))))) and you are forced to stand perfectly still, not singing, while somebody near you sings and the light from them spills onto you. Thus all eyes are near you, so you must remain still, but the simple pressure of being still makes you notice every single twitch of your finger or shift of your weight or swallow until you go insane.
My solution? Make shadow puppets on the curtain.
Not birds or chipmunks or bunnies though, don't be stupid. Everybody will see that and that would be even more awkward than them just noticing that you're incapable of keeping your eyes open for more than 0.5 seconds. Little stuff.
My personal favorite is the Lego hand. You smush your fingers real close together, and widen the curve between your fingers and your thumb until it's well on its way to becoming a circle. Angle it just right, and your shadow will look just like a tiny plastic figurine. Well, at least your hands will.
Then take your other hand and smush its fingers real close, but make the gap between them and your thumb thin and long, like a pipe could rest between them. Ta-da! Barbie.
Then hold your Lego hand up like you're holding a pizza to throw at the Brickster, and your Barbie hand slightly tilted like you're trying to hold one of those stupid plastic props with a little handle on the side that they always gave you in order to make it stay in their hand, but that always fell out as soon as you weren't looking.
Magic. Your awkward standing time will be over before you know it.
And yes, I guess that wasn't exactly about robots. Though technically you are impersonating an animated piece of plastic, so it counts, right?
If anyone starts heckling you about it, just pick out the spy in the room and that conversation will be as good as done.
You are welcome.
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